The ins and ‘out’ of Canada’s cunning immigration policy

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Applications were being reviewed by two CIA agents from the Canadian Investigation Association, a fully owned subsidiary of the US Central Intelligence Agency.

Agent 1: In this standoff with Delhi, we need to be careful about who we let in and who we let out.

Agent 2: Damn, you’re correct. Delhi has been spreading unfavourable rumours about how we’ve turned into a haven for criminals and other undesirables.

Agent 1: Yes, we need to take extra precautions to prevent giving Delhi more ammunition to use against us. Who is the first applicant we have today, then?

Agent 2: It comes from a source identified as ISIS.

ISIS is agent one. I doubt I’ve ever heard of an organisation named ISIS.

Agent 2: I hadn’t either. I thus attempted to find it in our office atlas but was unsuccessful. It must be one of those recently independent nations that are springing up everywhere in the show but aren’t visible on any maps.

Agent 1: Obviously. In any case, the application states that he is a skilled mujahideen.

What is a mujahideen, asks Agent 2.

Agent 1: Not sure. He claims to be trained, so if that’s the case, he must be skilled at whatever it is that mujahideen are supposed to accomplish.

Agent 2: Good move. We are constantly searching for anyone with training, of any kind, due to our lack of trained manpower and womanpower. Give him an “In.”

An “In,” says Agent 1? like a visitor’s visa?

No, says Agent 2. as in a place of permanent residency with full voting rights, free medical care, free medical care, and free education for children. Next!

Agent 1: Well, so this individual, who identifies himself as a foot soldier with the People Liberation Front for Southern Burkina Faso, is travelling on false identification given by the Upper Volta government-in-exile and has been placed on Interpol’s “most wanted list” with a “red alert.”

Agent 2: Oh, my! He is on Interpol’s most wanted recruitment list because he is a soldier, on foot or otherwise, and has experience in law enforcement. This qualifies him for a top-priority red alert. It would be best if we caught him before the Interpol agents. He would be excellent for instructing our Mounties, who, contrary to common belief, do not always catch their prey. Next!

Here’s a real catch, Agent One. We have a full family that wants to live with us permanently from a place named Cosa Nostra.

Agent 2: That’s fantastic. We welcome families very warmly. Who is the family’s head?

Agent 1: It’s the Godfather, I believe.

Agent 2: It is cool. They must also be religious since they acknowledge the existence of a supernatural creator. Do you know which church they attend?

Agent 1: I believe it to be one of those new-age churches with the name “The Mob” and “mobsters” as its membership.

Agent 2: What expertise do mafia members possess?

They all identify as experienced racketeers and look to be professional tennis, squash, and badminton players. Also, some of them double as hitmen, a clear nod to the gentlemanly game of boxing. They might assist us in taking home a few gold medals at the 2020 Summer Olympics in Paris.

Agent 2: Let’s grab them before they move on to another location. Next!

Agent 1: Well, I see. There’s a rotten apple among us. A man from some dubious-sounding location named Gurgaon submitted a passport good till 2030 along with multiple entry permits for the US, Britain, and Schengen, all of which were expertly faked to seem so real that it was obvious they were real. He claims he needs a visitor’s visa valid for 24 hours so he can take a photo in front of the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, which he has been told is preferable to the American side.

operative 2: Ha! Our linguistic experts have translated the cover narrative as WAR spelt backwards, which is a clear indication that it belongs to an R&AW agent. Who else but an R&AW operative would go by the bizarre alias “Jug Suraiya”? Definitely out. Next!


The author’s opinions are his or her own.


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